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new chapter, goals

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I have now been divorced since Halloween of 2019! So coming up on a year. Being a single mom oh does it have it challenges! I am navigating and am ok with it.:) I do miss being married but I dont miss my ex. My have a good dad who loves them and will be their for them. They are surrounded by so much love. That is at least one thing I did right.   The reasons for the divorce , dont really matter. What I've learned my ex has a lot of growing up to do. I cant handle man children. I hope my kids learn and take the best from both of us as their parents.   I can focus on my goals and I'm much happier! Even though it's a little setback I will be ok. There is also a pandemic, a story for another post.  I'm meeting some great people and hoping to make some great friends! I gained my confidence back and it's a work in progress. You dont how much you lose of yourself or give up until you are out of the situation,  because while in it. You ar
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holidays and updates.

been divorced since Halloween 2019 officially! grateful and it's good because : I can focus on myself and kids and not deal with my ex as much .  he is a good dad so I want him in their lives , I just wish I didnt have to  be the bigger person.  I'm being vague cuz I dont really wanna discuss. I am struggling but I am working on getting through it. I have a decent support system with friends , family and co workers. I'm still at my same job but trying to get benefits. working on my goals. I'm a lot happier! confidence is a pain but working on getting that back. working on my business. enjoying the holidays with my kids and making fin memories and new traditions. hopefully 2020 will be a great year. positive vibes. <3 happy holiday and a new year 
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rough times

due to everything going on right it's been a roller coaster and crazy.  basically been faced with losing my job or on the verge .  ( I still have it by the way ! ) after almost a 12 year relationship,  9 or 10 of that being married .... I'm now going through a divorce cuz my kids dad doesn't want to be with me any more. its joint custody with the kids. basically I've lost my confidence and now I have to find it again. I've never had to struggle with my confidence I've always been a strong confident person. then I became a mom of 2 kids ( whom I love to death ) but becoming a mom I've struggled with my confidence ... then when I think I've found it boom I'm hit with this so now struggling with it. ( cuz whose gonna want all this ? not that I'm looking for a relationship cuz I am not. but you do wonder sometimes. ) FOR the 1st time in a lot of years I can focus on myself , my dreams my Hope's and goals! that makes me happy cuz some where along
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Exhaustion

Exhaustion is taking over. It's the weekend and I feel like crap stressed , endo and other things are making me feel crappy Been an emotional roller coaster for quite a few months now. Dealing on my own cuz ppl don't understand and I'm sick of not being understood. Thinking of writing poems again. Waiting for things Trying to be happy and enjoy things . Feeling like things are closing in. Loving my kids and giving it my all. Emotionally I'm exhausted and done. So im tuning out.
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Feelings, being ticked off

The rage and anxiety that gets built up from the ppl I love when they feel the need to give me the 3rd degree and micro manage my choices. I'm an adult I make my own choices and just because its not what they would do or they don't understand the logic they think to say things that fuels my anxiety . so I'm just not gonna deal with feelings cuz its sucks I absolutely hate it. Anxiety sucks . so going numb is just what I'm going to do. Cuz I'm done just done. I can't justify it anymore and I won't but I gotta deal so here's how it is . then they have the nerve to ask me if I'm mad. Really ? You piss me off you stay stupid crap , then have the nerve after all is said and done to ask if I'm mad. Of course I'm mad. You fueled my damn anxiety in fact triggered it don't care and then just cuz your not mad anymore . you don't get why I am. Well here why I can't turn it off I can't just stop I can't get angry or upset, sometimes c
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Disection of trauma

When choices are made and we are put in situations that are uncomfortable , or in sticky situation through our own choices or choices of other.... We end up thinking or dissecting every choice or decision that got us there their so it doesn't happen again. Yet some how we end up there again, and again and again. Its a never ending cycle. The results may be different just a little every time but we still end up there.    So we dissect and we try to not end up there yet it comes up and we can never truly heal even if we do truly heal we are left with the scars the memories the hurt and they never go away.   We could be bettering our lives , and some thing said or incident in our lives will bring it all back up again. And we are left to deal with it. Or if we do talk about it , its we should be over it , ppl don't wanna hear it , ppl change give them a chance, don't talk about cuz others get uncomfortable, somehow it end up our fault , if we don't make these choices or t
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Reinventing yourself, feelings vs numb

Reinventing yourself : Their are many different ways to reinvent yourself and cope with life One of them is dealing with feelings vs being numb. Numb is not wanting to feel things or deal with the chaos going on the triggers so you block it out you numb yourself so you don't have to feel. ( resting b face lol ) etc. It take on so many expressions depending on who you are and what's going on. Feelings can change depends on what's going on . feeling are annoying to cope with yes you can know what your feeling but not how to deal with it healthy or unhealthy a lot of times its easier not to deal with it but it makes it difficult for everyone around you . so to avoid both I reinvent myself by hobbies , decor organization basically what I can control so I don't feel out of sorts!
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