Feelings, being ticked off

The rage and anxiety that gets built up from the ppl I love when they feel the need to give me the 3rd degree and micro manage my choices. I'm an adult I make my own choices and just because its not what they would do or they don't understand the logic they think to say things that fuels my anxiety . so I'm just not gonna deal with feelings cuz its sucks I absolutely hate it. Anxiety sucks . so going numb is just what I'm going to do. Cuz I'm done just done. I can't justify it anymore and I won't but I gotta deal so here's how it is . then they have the nerve to ask me if I'm mad. Really ? You piss me off you stay stupid crap , then have the nerve after all is said and done to ask if I'm mad. Of course I'm mad. You fueled my damn anxiety in fact triggered it don't care and then just cuz your not mad anymore . you don't get why I am. Well here why I can't turn it off I can't just stop I can't get angry or upset, sometimes cry and have that be the end because no the affects last. You send me into a panic attack and now I have to deal and then you see a small portion of the affects and think ill just be ok but wonder why I don't want to talk or why I am still mad. Well anxiety is an everyday thing and you fueling it just makes it work I control it the best I can everyday. I struggle everyday. Yet that isn't what you see. Then you wonder why I don't ask for help , or you can't believe this or that. Well here's why you judge me and it freaking sucks yet I handle everything on my own but it doesn't look like it to you. Well I've tried to pass some of it onto you I have asked for help and I'm so sick of being let down so once again I do it all on my own cuz as much as you love me and are there you still don't understand. You just expect things. And I hate failure so yes I do it on my own because if I mess up them its on me I blame myself more than you blame me but you blaming me doesn't help it just makes it worse. What you say makes it worse. Just help out take some of the blame don't just think its all me. But of course that won't happen so who is always to blame ? Me of course. So yeah everyday struggle to live life with anxiety. Ptsd insomnia etc. Is just something I have to deal with but you just keep living your life and not understanding and just thinking I can turn it off. I love yiu so as always I will deal with it my own way and not bother you cuz you really don't wanna know and I don't wanna draw attention .

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