My Story
I used to blog and deleted my old blogs. I made the decision to start blogging again as an outlet and to share who I am and how I got to where I am today and what has helped in hopes that it can help some one else.
Plus I'm busy and I needed to do something or I would go crazy and well hopefully this will save my sanity .☺
I grew up with a happy childhood till age 8 and that is when my whole world changed. And it wasn't really happy before then but to me I had a family at 8 everything changed. I was born into a toxic family and I am the oldest of 5 kids. What I mean by toxic is my so called dad is a pyscopath and my mom has been through a lot herself causing her lose herself. However she always did what was best for us, or the best she could for the circumstances.
So lets start with the background of my parents who both grew up in abusive home and well it was inevitable when they got married and passed that legacy to us. so in there marriage or what I noticed both parents were not very nice to each other, well my mom loved my dad and did what she thought a good wife and mother should do. My dad did not recipricate as he found what he was looking for outside the marriage and he put my mother through abusive hell as well as my siblings and later on me. While I loved my dad until he hurt me but I still loved him I lost respect him point being I was a daddys girl and proud to be despite that he hurt me. because even though what he did was wrong he was the only one I felt actually loved me. Messed up I know. I had a mother who for 8 years was a great mother who was there when I got home from school, she made cookies she made dinner she taught us how to be strong. She didn't like my attitude but she knew its who I was. She stood up for me. She loved her kids and at that time would do any thing for us and did. She took the brunt of everything. We were the picture perfect family. As mostly families go there is a lot that goes on behind closed doors that no one knows about, that is embarrassing that people are ashamed of. My family was no exceptions.
So here is my experience.....
I was born in New York and proud of it. I was born premature I weighed 1lb 9 oz and shouldn't have survived but did through my mothers strength and willingness to fight for me. The doctors told her I was a miscarriage and she did not believe them. ( My family is LDS or Mormon and we believe in God and it got us through the hell we went through due to my parents choices. )
My family was a typical military family as well moving quite a bit which I loved cuz in every place no one knew me and I could start over!
Other places I have lived is Texas, California, Utah, Idaho Minnesota etc.
I have visited Colorado, Nevada, Oregon and many others. But that is for a later time.
My dad was abusive in every way shape and form, my mom was verbally and emotionally abusive.
So every day was hell in my home either way. On top of that my dad introduced me to a lot of horrible stuff I should have never been introduced to. I was told to keep quiet about it or I would get into trouble. So I believed him. well one day he came home and asked me who I would rather live with. my mom ot my dad.... I cried and I hugged my mom. That day is when it all changed. My parents got divorced and it was 3 1 /2 years of hell while all that was going on. As usual despite how hard ppl try kids always seem to suffer.
So my mom was now a single mother and we were living with family members as my mom was trying to figure it all out. So we moved around to stay away from my dad and my mom worked to support us while dealing with the effects of everything.
So because of my past my family was judged, by everyone who knew us church and otherwise. So we like most people found a way to cope with the different roles that were being placed on us. I later left the problems , then returned cuz of siblings and people not willing to help that was when I was 16 then I left again at 18/19 and returned again then left again at 21 to have my own life. Which I was back in that life for a little bit then I left the life for good at 24 and never looked back I still have to be involved because of my siblings.
I went to school got an associates degree in business marketing, I got married and had kids and vowed never to pass that abusive legacy to my kids. I spent my life looking at my parents decisions and not ever making those. basically I learned from my parents everything not to do. It has served me well .
yes, I had to grow up from a young age, I have learned a lot.
So this is my story of how I have become strong depsite my past, and why I suffer from anxiety, ptsd, and insomnia.
Plus I'm busy and I needed to do something or I would go crazy and well hopefully this will save my sanity .☺
I grew up with a happy childhood till age 8 and that is when my whole world changed. And it wasn't really happy before then but to me I had a family at 8 everything changed. I was born into a toxic family and I am the oldest of 5 kids. What I mean by toxic is my so called dad is a pyscopath and my mom has been through a lot herself causing her lose herself. However she always did what was best for us, or the best she could for the circumstances.
So lets start with the background of my parents who both grew up in abusive home and well it was inevitable when they got married and passed that legacy to us. so in there marriage or what I noticed both parents were not very nice to each other, well my mom loved my dad and did what she thought a good wife and mother should do. My dad did not recipricate as he found what he was looking for outside the marriage and he put my mother through abusive hell as well as my siblings and later on me. While I loved my dad until he hurt me but I still loved him I lost respect him point being I was a daddys girl and proud to be despite that he hurt me. because even though what he did was wrong he was the only one I felt actually loved me. Messed up I know. I had a mother who for 8 years was a great mother who was there when I got home from school, she made cookies she made dinner she taught us how to be strong. She didn't like my attitude but she knew its who I was. She stood up for me. She loved her kids and at that time would do any thing for us and did. She took the brunt of everything. We were the picture perfect family. As mostly families go there is a lot that goes on behind closed doors that no one knows about, that is embarrassing that people are ashamed of. My family was no exceptions.
So here is my experience.....
I was born in New York and proud of it. I was born premature I weighed 1lb 9 oz and shouldn't have survived but did through my mothers strength and willingness to fight for me. The doctors told her I was a miscarriage and she did not believe them. ( My family is LDS or Mormon and we believe in God and it got us through the hell we went through due to my parents choices. )
My family was a typical military family as well moving quite a bit which I loved cuz in every place no one knew me and I could start over!
Other places I have lived is Texas, California, Utah, Idaho Minnesota etc.
I have visited Colorado, Nevada, Oregon and many others. But that is for a later time.
My dad was abusive in every way shape and form, my mom was verbally and emotionally abusive.
So every day was hell in my home either way. On top of that my dad introduced me to a lot of horrible stuff I should have never been introduced to. I was told to keep quiet about it or I would get into trouble. So I believed him. well one day he came home and asked me who I would rather live with. my mom ot my dad.... I cried and I hugged my mom. That day is when it all changed. My parents got divorced and it was 3 1 /2 years of hell while all that was going on. As usual despite how hard ppl try kids always seem to suffer.
So my mom was now a single mother and we were living with family members as my mom was trying to figure it all out. So we moved around to stay away from my dad and my mom worked to support us while dealing with the effects of everything.
So because of my past my family was judged, by everyone who knew us church and otherwise. So we like most people found a way to cope with the different roles that were being placed on us. I later left the problems , then returned cuz of siblings and people not willing to help that was when I was 16 then I left again at 18/19 and returned again then left again at 21 to have my own life. Which I was back in that life for a little bit then I left the life for good at 24 and never looked back I still have to be involved because of my siblings.
I went to school got an associates degree in business marketing, I got married and had kids and vowed never to pass that abusive legacy to my kids. I spent my life looking at my parents decisions and not ever making those. basically I learned from my parents everything not to do. It has served me well .
yes, I had to grow up from a young age, I have learned a lot.
So this is my story of how I have become strong depsite my past, and why I suffer from anxiety, ptsd, and insomnia.
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