Anxiety PTSD Insomnia

This comes from the heart and has been on my mind quite a bit lately. If you come from a long line of abuse, if you don't come from a long line of abuse but find yourself in an abusive situation of any kind, if you're trying  to wrap your mind "how you let it happen, or get this far." " what's wrong with you ?" " how can any one love you?, or they must be the only person that does ." " No one will love you like they do or be there for you. " " or they are sorry and it will never happen again" " or you asked for it , or you make them angry or mad or make them do this and if you would just listen or get it through your head " .... " or if you take it, then your family or spouse or s/o or kids won't have to" and whatever you or others tell you then this is for you .   Understanding abuse is difficult for the many people who go through it and it hard and difficult to understand how other people could be ...

Through out life our confidence that we have can be destroyed. This can happen to any one even the strongest people can struggle with confidence sometimes. I've always had confidence, but there have many times it has been destroyed which is why I work so hard to keep my confidence. First time my confidence was shot( I grew up in an abusive home from both parents ) so if was easy to just do what I needed to , to survive so that is what I did. But when I was told " it was my fault , or my feelings didn't matter because it wasn't always about me" I was very young when this was said multiple times to me amongst other things. Then my confidence came again and was shot again many times when I was. Teenager but also came back. Then I go after what I want because I always do. Well this last year has been difficult and my confidence was shot when I lost my job and had to find work again, first time ever for me losing a job . so I did what I had to do. I got a job , I took ...

I never thought I would settle. There is different kinds of settling. You can settle in * relationships * marriage * friendships * jobs * careers etc. I'm talking about settling with careers. You see based on how I grew up and with , I know how messed up. But I also vowed I would never settle. I always go after my dreams and opportunities that way I never live with regrets. But here I am settling in my career or job and not the one I want. Why ? Some of the typical reasons people settle* they don't think they can do better. * they are scared , afraid of failure , being alone * they think its what they deserve . * they think if they put up with it then no else will have to. ( in the case of relationships) sometimes kids are involved, it can make it harder. Well settling in. Career or job is for some of the same reasons and I didn't realize that I was settling . sometimes its easier to settle , because you know what to expect and you know what will happen. It a means to surv...

THOUGHTs that run around in my head :  everything is your fault how could you be so stupid?  your feelings don't matter don't be so selfish you need to be there I need to depend on you it's not all about you you  need to do this family is important why can't you treat me like how you treat your inlaws I'm important to you know what your doing you asked for it I want you to call me  trust me and show me respect what is your problem you need to change your attitude you need to eat i can't believe your my daughter you hurt me  this has got to stop ETC ............................................................................................................................. there is many more but that would take up so much space and room and I don't want to do that but we tell ourselves things like this as we get older cuz we heard it so much and or still do . Then we continue it cuz of the flashbacks and the memories.  we nee...

o ut of all the pain in the world the one heals the easiest is the  physical: it stands the test of time, the bruises and physical scars heal up and go away over time. you can cover them up with make up and bandaids until then, you can take pain meds till you go numb while you are waiting for the physical pain to leave you. yeah it hurts and stings when you touch it but it heals and you cant feel it any more.  MENTAL: well that is in your head what you tell yourself because of other ppl.  The voices that you still hear because you heard it for so long. you don't know how to change, you never look at yourself the same or feel how you used to. You changed and you try to go back , to find when it started so you could change so you can be happy but the mental trap of what you tell yourself never ends . This lasts for years and comes back in many forms mental you never fully heal from. You cope and you work on what you can but you never fully overcome.  EMOTIONAL: we...

Letting your guard down:   so lately my hubby always wants to know why I have my guard up and never let it down.  Well here is why : once you let your guard down , anything can happen and then everything can change bad things can happen and you can spiral into your past, into thee unknown , the whirlwind and trust issues that happen with letting your guard down always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  so because of this I never let my guard down and I haven't for a very long time.  let me explain..... Growing up, I'm the oldest but I grew up with an extremeist and a psychopath. when you go grow up in an enviroment like this it leads to abuse in the home, the pretending that all is ok and many many many experiences and leaves you with a very narrow view, trust is non existent and you just figure out to survive that is all you can do. no one cares and everyone that does know what is going on doesn't know how to help so you get stuck in an endless worldwind...

This post is about the lesson I have learned through some of the choices I have made in my life.  So to understand the current one that has been hard that I have had to go through time and time again is the choice to continue to feel good about myself and not let life get me down. This last few months have been some of the hardest but before I delve into that to understand why we have to delve into my past from my childhood.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I grew up being a strong willed child its just who I am and I have never apologized for it and never will .  so my first experience with life getting me down was when my world changed and I found out who my parents really were and the world was not at all like how I knew it to be. But as kids we are resilent and bounce back so that is what I did. I moved on and I dealt with it then in my pre teens and teens I dealt with it when I was working and rent and bills needed to be...