Anxiety PTSD Insomnia

Letting your guard down:   so lately my hubby always wants to know why I have my guard up and never let it down.  Well here is why : once you let your guard down , anything can happen and then everything can change bad things can happen and you can spiral into your past, into thee unknown , the whirlwind and trust issues that happen with letting your guard down always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  so because of this I never let my guard down and I haven't for a very long time.  let me explain..... Growing up, I'm the oldest but I grew up with an extremeist and a psychopath. when you go grow up in an enviroment like this it leads to abuse in the home, the pretending that all is ok and many many many experiences and leaves you with a very narrow view, trust is non existent and you just figure out to survive that is all you can do. no one cares and everyone that does know what is going on doesn't know how to help so you get stuck in an endless worldwind just surviv

This post is about the lesson I have learned through some of the choices I have made in my life.  So to understand the current one that has been hard that I have had to go through time and time again is the choice to continue to feel good about myself and not let life get me down. This last few months have been some of the hardest but before I delve into that to understand why we have to delve into my past from my childhood.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I grew up being a strong willed child its just who I am and I have never apologized for it and never will .  so my first experience with life getting me down was when my world changed and I found out who my parents really were and the world was not at all like how I knew it to be. But as kids we are resilent and bounce back so that is what I did. I moved on and I dealt with it then in my pre teens and teens I dealt with it when I was working and rent and bills needed to be paid etc. so

Triggers:  anxiety, PTSD, Insomnia are all triggered by different things and it is different for everyone.  triggers can be words, songs, food, emotional triggers, physical triggers , situational triggers.  Triggers suck some triggers for me :  * certain words * situations * toxic ppl * some songs * feelings what helps me when I get triggered depends on what triggered me and why. Also something that others do not understand. PPL think that we like being this way. what they don't know is that whatever triggers us, it takes intense courage to face those triggers, deal with the triggers and deal with it every day. Some days are worse than others, and sometimes we just want to be entitled to what others are entitled to. we just want to be ok We want to be told and feel we are loved too despite our triggers and setbacks. but we do not get told that instead we get triggered we get told its in our head. We get told that we need to be there for others. We get told we need to STOP

                                     Emotional Break Downs:  What ppl do not realize is that when you have anxiety , depression, PTSD, bipolar or any other mental disorder, its physical too not just emotional or in your head but here is the head part.                                                                                                                MY Story: My first real emotional break down I was little and well I was molested and raped by some one close to me so I learned to hide my feelings because they didn't matter. So no one found out about what happened. I was then later kissed by a 16 yr old kid that lived with us. I was having to play sexual games with cousins cuz well everyone was curious. There is so much that happened that shaped who I am. But I was strong and I survived.                   My parents divorced and I finally told what happened to a counselor and my mom. well I ran out of the house after and went to a friends cuz my mom punched a hole i

Lets Start with my Past:  I was born into an abusive family I dealt with emotional and physical abuse.  I had to make some hard decisions early on My past haunts me constantly I will never forget where I came from I am grateful for where I am at now I have PTSD, anxiety, insomnia and a handful of other things.... I'm very lucky that it wasnt worse than what It could have been. FOR My Present:  I chose a good family ( hubby and kids)  I dont have physical abuse in my life anymore, I still have emotional though I still have to make hard decisions, but its for the goals I want My past haunts me still, but its made me a better and stronger person I always remember where I came from, I get to where I am going thankful for all I have in my life I still have PTSD , INsominia , Full Fledge Anxiety..... Still lucky it wasnt worse, Grateful where I am now How I used my past as a STEPPING STONE for my present circumstances:  When I was little I was faced with

MUSIC Here are some songs that have gotten me through quite a bit of tough and rough times in my life. some are new, some are old but music can speak to your soul when it seems like nothing or no one else can.   This song is one of my all time favorites that has gotten me through so much and helped me get to where I am now.   This song just has always spoken to me. This one is more recent and just explains about how I feel most of the time about my past and now. This isn't all of the songs just a few for right now cuz all the rest are too personal for me to share on this and reasons why.

 ( this song was suppose to be at the bottom but, it wouldn't allow it) S eriously, we can have many paths in life but there are two I want to address:  1.  The path we are born into ......  Here is what I mean by this we are born into families, then sometimes traded off or pushed away for ~ a habit ~ a distraction ~ something or some one better ~ a lifestyle ~ decision that we don't understand what ever the reason for choices that our parents choose to make, grandparents, aunts uncles, ppl we are suppose to trust, ppl that are suppose to protect us, love us for who we are, be there for us. Soon we lose our childhood innocence some at a sooner age than some, and we come to realize that these ppl don't always have our best interest at heart, They are only human! they make mistakes, They are learning. sometimes they can't protect us when we need it the most. They can make choices that impact our lives forever and then wonder later why the relationship is strained

Why I constantly have to be doing something. I have anxiety and insomnia and sometimes more often than not its difficult to cope as well as with the PTSD, a lot of it I have been dealing with for years so I know how to deal with it and mask it and there are those days that are just so rough and tough to handle. ..................... -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.-I constantly keep myself busy to avoid my thoughts, to make sure I am productive. Well today I decided to be LAZY and not care. Its my day off and I didn;t care. I still took care of my responsibilities such as my kids and my dog. But other than that I did not care. I decided to try a new game that I found out was free.  Well I played it for about 2 hours which I never do. I tell myself I can never find the time and I'm pretty busy so I can't but today I did and it was nice and fun and enjoyable.  --------------------------------------

Recently I had the privilege of talking with some one dear to my but they are toxic and it breaks my heart.   Toxic ppl like to be around toxic ppl but it isn't good for them. It only hinders and enables them. I grew up in a toxic situation. I have left that life and no longer surround myself with toxic ppl. Some ppl you still need contact with for whatever the reason. Some of the ppl that are still toxic and that I'm still in contact with are family. This person that I still have contact with well we had a conversation the other day and I told them it wasn't good that they surround them with other toxic ppl.  Toxic ppl deserve happiness too, and they do not allow themselves that whatever the excuse or reason.  I left the toxic life behind a long time ago and I am happier for it.